The writing bug first bit in elementary school. I vaguely remember turning in a story adopting the perspective of an animal caged in a pet store, longing for liberation, and another titled "My Ten Faces," inspired by
a very weird movie starring an unrecognizable Tony Randall. Both efforts were well-received by my teachers.
As a junior in
high school, I began taking an enriched English class where I was the attractive young teacher's pet for reasons I didn't entirely understand. Pale Miss Conroy, who wore her hair Cleopatra-style and shadowed her eyes heavily with kohl, assigned us to keep journals. I can't remember if she read them, but when my friend
Pattie read mine, surreptitiously, without my permission, she stopped speaking to me. An entry vented suspicions I had been her second choice when she asked me to accompany her to a prom that required renting a tux and buying a corsage because she a member of the "royal court" representing Andress at another local high school. But even then, I had been too cautious to commit my sexual orientation struggle to paper.
When I arrived at
Columbia in 1971, the core curriculum included a required Humanities course where we read through the (white, male) Western canon.
Dr. Robert Belknap, an intimidating professor of Russian literature who was as tall and thin as his pointer, taught the first semester. He gave me a B- on a paper about
The Odyssey, commenting that it was "tersely" written and noting my lack of original thought. The criticism stuck. My writing improved more than my critical acumen over the next four years although I was very proud of a paper I aced about "
New Japanese Photography." It presaged my obsession in retirement for photographing and documenting my reactions to museum exhibitions and travels on this blog.
The admissions office of Columbia's School of Journalism put me on the wait list. I probably shouldn't have been surprised. Although I had applied to be the editor of the
Aquila, my high school newspaper, Mrs. Sanchez, our tippling journalism teacher, thought my talents would be better suited to the yearbook. Applying elsewhere would mean leaving New York City so I found a job in the publicity department of a book publisher and supplemented my meager income with an evening job at a department store. I still had vague aspirations to be a writer and experimented with various formats including a snarky magazine article called "A Day in the Life of a Bloomingdales Employee" and "Backpedalling," a short story about engaging in anonymous sex for the first time that I shared with no one. But the effort to come to grips with my shame opened up a desire to write honestly about my feelings again, dormant since Pattie's furious reaction to my speculative venting. Letters home certainly didn't provide that release, although
my stepmother, a romance novel reader, looked forward to my censored descriptions of 20something life and encouraged me to pursue writing in a way that no one else ever has.
I returned to journaling in a haphazard way, filling an occasional notebook purchased for the purpose, but mostly using plenty of down time at the
New York Public Library to type entries on a self-correcting IBM Selectric which I hole-punched and kept in a binder. I bought my first composition book in 1977 which offered portability, significantly increasing the opportunities for scribbling. Early entries are a collection of random thoughts, dream descriptions, quotes from books, overheard conversations and even a few pathetic stabs at poetry. Dates first appear when I take
a solo road trip from El Paso to San Francisco in a Volkswagen Scirocco borrowed from my father. In an analog preview of "PhotoPest," I jotted down travel observations on one side of a page and left the other blank so I could tape in snapshots of my travels once they had been developed.
In the summer of 1980, in advance of
another road trip, this one from El Paso to the Arctic Circle, I bought a fancy blank journal made in France with a grey floral cover that looked a lot like a William Morris print. My sentences still weren't complete but I made daily entries which served as the basis for
Other Frontiers a play I wrote about failing to come out to
my father while camping together along the Alaska Highway for nearly a month. Dad, an inveterate letter writer, had taken notice: when
we began circumnavigating Australia in December 1983, both of us would pull out our journals after dinner and record the events of the day. Long after his death, while composing
Homosaic, a memoir of my life before turning 40, I compared our entries. Two people could not have seen
Down Under or apprehended the world more differently.
By then I was on volume XI (Roman numerals gave them more serious heft!) of the blue hardcover journals--124 pages each--pictured at the top of this page and writing in complete sentences. That had begun on April 28, 1981:
I picked up this new notebook before riding to work. When I filed the previous one away, I noticed that it covered a greater period of time than the one prior to it. I guess I'm not so verbose as I once was although that may change now that I've to decided to write in complete sentences.
As the bluebooks accumulated, it gave me great satisfaction to see them lined up on a shelf; even if their author would remain unpublished, they provided solid evidence that I had been writing regularly which is, of course, what successful scribes advise. Their content changed with my life and times. Accounts of
my difficult relationship's end with David, the sexual promiscuity that resulted and kvetching about what happened at the office dominate the early volumes; then AIDS rears its ugly head.
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| Entry, July 4, 1981 |
July 4, 1981: Barnet called to see if I would like to join him and Chris to see S.O.B I didn't make a commitment, but later figured what the hell, it would get me out of the house at least. By then I thought the rain would stop, but it hadn't, so when I left I dressed in my nylon rain outfit which kept me perfectly dry wherever it covered. Only my shoes and socks were soaked by the time I reached the Baronet, where I discovered that the 4:20 p.m. show was sold out, although both Lars and Chinny Buns, wearing glasses [my nicknames for a sexy Upper West couple; the latter eventually achieved closeted television fame], as well as one of the stars of The Paper Chase and several hundred other trendy New Yorkers already had tickets. Barnet and Chris showed up a few minutes later and because we couldn't get in, I was more eager than ever to see it. We hung around for a couple of hours waiting for the next show . . . after we had an expensive cafe mocha under the Roosevelt Tramway, I brought up an article about a rare form of cancer I had seen in Friday's New York Times. Recent studies indicate that it affects promiscuous homosexuals ("those who have frequent and multiple sexual encounters, as many as ten times an evening, up to four times per week") who use amyl nitrate and LSD. Purple spots on the skin are a first symptom. Until this study, doctors thought Kaposi's sarcoma was a slow killer found in the elderly, but now 26 cases in younger homosexual men (who also have had just about every other sexually-related disease known to man) indicate not only is it not as rare as had been believed previously, but that it may even be contagious! This has yet to be proven, but doctors hope that it may eventually teach a great deal about what causes more common types of cancer. Medical guinea pigs! The tone of the article led me to conclude that the Times
, which has been criticized for its avoidance of "gay news," has adopted a new strategy: all of the unpalatable homosexual news that's fit to print." Some long-suppressed radicalism may be rearing its head here, but I found the statistic about the men who have been diagnosed as having KS almost beyond belief and certainly difficult to substantiate. Yet it was included so matter-of-factly under the headline RARE CANCER SEEN IN 41 HOMOSEXUALS that a casual reader might easily think that 40 sexual encounters per week was common. Neither Barnet nor Chris [a dancer at the time who eventually directed a film called Test
] had seen the article so they weren't able to discuss these ramifications, nor were they eager to hear me rant about them.
Ramifications, indeed. Suddenly I was writing my own
Journal of the Plague Years which continued as soon as I returned to work when my lesbian boss referred to it as "Spencer's disease," referring to a co-worker with the tell-tale purple spots who was out sick. Many years later, I learned that
Spencer Beach, who loved opera and
Brideshead Revisited, had been one of the epidemic's first casualties in New York City.
While re-reading the blue books has been a source of continuing fascination at various ages, I avoid volumes XXI through XXIII when
the disease claimed David who had been diagnosed in 1991 and was gone just two years later, along with my father, who had suffered a fatal stroke just six months before. Their deaths convinced me of writing's therapeutic value; letting my raw feelings flow through my pen helped me flush them from my consciousness. It also seemed like I had nothing else to lose.
By that time, entries had become less frequent, though longer. I eliminated any mention of work because it made for very dull re-reading.
Capturing the experience of sharing a house in the Pines, begun in 1988, was way more exciting. Entries became focused on summer weekends or out-of-the-ordinary happenings in my life, and were often timed to the (every third) Friday nights when I washed my clothes at the laundromat or weekend afternoons as I surveyed the Ramble from a park bench. Although I almost never wrote in front of my friends, I enjoyed being seen scribbling away by strangers, some of whom were even bold enough to approach. A stunned father of young children in the West Palm Beach airport reacted as if he were witnessing the birth of calligraphy when I explained what I was doing and for how long. He clearly didn't have the time for endless self-examination.
Remember "
Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Buggles from 1979? Blogging nearly vanquished my blue books just three months before
9/11 when I was between jobs and pseudonymously started
Chasing Rapture, "the picaresque adventures of an unemployed gay sex addict in Manhattan and Fire Island Pines." The new medium deserved some formal experimentation, too, cribbed from the shorthand used to hook up using AOL "Man for Man" chatrooms: "you" became "
u," dialog (without quotation marks) and thoughts were italicized, capitalization was abandoned except for proper nouns, ellipses replaced periods and I linked to external websites whenever possible because I read that doing so could improve your search ranking in Google. In other words, I was hunting for an audience and was soon rewarded with a sole "follower" (nomenclature that hadn't yet become familiar),
Dante Woo whose cheerleading was a powerful motivator, although I already had learned to be suspicious of virtual relationships.
Two years later, again jobless for the summer, I hit upon the idea of chronicling my time in the Pines with a jaundiced eye in an ancillary blog.
The House of Six MEs delighted some of my housemates (the
Expatriate), others not so much (
Testa Grande, who was offended that I referred to a group of his day tripping friends as the
Freeloader Cartel). The
Curmudgeon even kept a journal of his own. I'll never forget the night we discovered that we had attended the same party long before becoming friends. We compared entries as soon as we returned to the city; neither of us had mentioned the other, but it quickly became apparent that my journal was much bitchier than his, as
Pattie had learned in high school.
Unfortunately, blogging cannibalized my journal keeping. The span of time covered in subsequent volumes widened significantly. During my late 20s, a single year could yield four volumes; by age 40, I barely filled one annually. And when my career finally kicked into high gear, often months would pass before I sat down at my schoolboy desk to write. My journaling hit rock bottom in Volume XXXVI which took more than four years to complete.
Retirement in 2014 again increased the frequency of entries; it also gave me the time to read through boxes of letters
my father had written after I decided to remain in New York City upon graduation from college. His voluminous, often repetitive accounts of working on what he proudly called his "stable" of four automobiles (three VWs and a Corvair), written in longhand on yellow legal pads, had bored me upon receipt but with the perspective of age they didn't seem so different than my early journal entries about cruising the Ramble: clearly, we both felt a compulsion to document our passions. Had he passed down a writing gene?
When I celebrated my 70th birthday in the Pines, Christine toasted the occasion by noting that "no one I know has documented their life more than Jeff." Of course this also means that I have written about my friends extensively both publicly on this blog and privately in my journal. The latter includes two or three entries each year about the growth of Magda and Zoltan, my god children, usually composed after birthday or holiday visits to New Jersey, and who continue to make regular appearances now as adults. They add a level of detail to memories that photos can't of enjoying kids without the responsibility of raising them.
I began ordering blue books in bulk quite some time ago; after completing the 50th, I now have two left. If I continue to travel, which precipitates most recent entries, they should last until the summer of 2028, shortly before I turn 75, my self-determined expiration date. But their continuation interests me less now than their eventual disposition. It's a quandary I faced when deciding what to do with my parents' photo albums. Throwing the visual evidence of
Ken's and
Mary's lives away seemed too much like discarding them. So I scanned and posted many of the photos on this blog in a kind of digital resurrection that will last as long as Blogger remains accessible.
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JH Journal Volume L (July 16, 2025 - July 6, 2026)
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Discontinued software or the elimination of an internet platform doesn't threaten my journals, however, and as the end of this branch of the
Hon family tree, I can't decide what should be done with them. On the one hand, I'm convinced they've served a mostly therapeutic purpose: who cares how I reacted to the Challenger Explosion or planes crashing into the Twin Towers? On the other, I have the sense that there can't have been too many gay men who both survived both the closet and AIDS who committed their most intimate feelings to the page for nearly 50 years. Maybe, just maybe, the JH Journals would be of interest to some future historian.
But I can’t forget the Pattie lesson either. Maybe burning this voluminous record of my state of mind along with my body when I’m cremated is a safer way to go. That way the people depicted in them can remember me only for how I behaved, not what I thought.